It's sex that involves bondage, dominance, submission, and control (BDSM). It typically involves one partner taking on a more dominant role during sex, while the other is more submissive. You should only practice BDSM with consenting adult partners. It can be a sexual practice, orientation, lifestyle, or culture.
BDSM can be a form of play and a way to explore power dynamics. It isn't about rough sex. It has a long history and is practiced across different ages, genders, and ethnic backgrounds.
"[BDSM and rough sex] have some similarities in that both of them combine sexuality with what looks like violence," says Elisabeth Sheff, PhD, a sociologist, certified sexuality educator, and expert witness at Sheff Consulting in Portland, OR.
"But with BDSM, there are more cultural constraints built in. The BDSM community has over decades developed many different safeguards to keep its practitioners safe from legal prosecution and most importantly safe from each other, so that what they're doing is consensual."
One study estimated 1 in 10 people in the U.S. have had some form of BDSM sex for pleasure. But it's more common to fantasize about it.
According to another study, nearly 47% of women and 60% of men have fantasized about dominating someone in a sexual context. Or you may fantasize about sexual submission.
What is light BDSM?
Some "light" BDSM practices may include:
- Handcuffs
- Scarf or tie bondage
- Blindfolds
- Light spanking
- Role-playing
- Tickling
- Sensation play with hot and cold
What are dom and sub?
In a relationship with two partners, one will typically play the dominant (dom) role, while the other will play the submissive (sub) role. This dominant and submissive dynamic is often referred to as a top/bottom dynamic. While the dominant partner, or top, is typically the one taking control in spanking, bonding, whipping, or other sexual scenarios, the submissive, or bottom, may also keep control by demanding the top perform certain roles or by switching roles.
What is a switch?
It's when you shift between dominant and submissive roles, depending on your partner and the context.
What Are the Different Types of BDSM?
Using its abbreviation, BDSM can be divided into these categories:
Bondage. This involves limiting a partner's freedom of movement with, for example, ropes, handcuffs, or other restraints.
Discipline. Through agreed-upon rules and punishments, a dominant partner can exercise control over a submissive partner.
Dominance. This is showing authority over a physical partner, either during sex or outside of the bedroom.
Submission. A submissive partner shows obedience to the dominant partner's actions and wishes.
Sadism and masochism (or sadomasochism). This involves pleasure that a partner may feel from either inflicting pain (sadism) or receiving pain (masochism) —either physical or emotional.
While these are the broader categories, there is no one way to practice BDSM. Different types can include power play, role-playing, pain play, bondage, wax play, edging, sensory deprivation, or humiliation.
It's important to remember in BDSM that these dynamics or actions during play should be agreed upon in advance. You also should have clear ways to tell your partner to stop at any time.
What Are Common BDSM Terms
Other words you might use in BDSM refer to the roles you might play, including dominants, tops, masters, mistresses, or sadists. You may play different roles in particular scenes you act out or play together.
Other terms may include:
- Kink
- Fetish
- Leather
- S&M
How BDSM Sex Works in Relationships
Practicing BDSM sex in a relationship may be enjoyable for both people. You may see BDSM as a form of release, an exploration of trust, or a space to act out fantasies of submission, vulnerability, and control.
As long as everyone involved wants to do it, you may find it increases intimacy and sexual satisfaction. You should remember that not everyone will experience BDSM, pleasure, and pain the same way.
It's possible for abuse to happen when you're in a BDSM relationship, just as in any other type of sexual relationship.
BDSM Safety Advice and Special Considerations
Consent
The most important part of BDSM sex is the act of consent. You should always make sure everyone gives enthusiastic consent and outlines clear boundaries in advance. These boundaries can be laid out in a formal contract, a verbal agreement, or a more casual conversation about desires and limits.
Safe words
Because of the intense nature of some BDSM scenes, it's also important to introduce a safe word. If you or your partner become uncomfortable with any part of the experience, you can speak the word to stop the current act — or stop the sex altogether.
"A lot of people, when they're having kinky sex, like to play with words like, 'No, stop, don't,'" Sheff says. "It's fun to feign resistance. But it's also very important to be able to distinguish pretend resistance from an actual desire for things to stop, and people involved in the BDSM community have been very careful over the decades to develop explicit processes for how to make sure it stays fun and doesn't tip over into actual violence or unwanted impact."
Other considerations
Another way to negotiate boundaries is through the traffic light system. Each color communicates how you or your partner is feeling and what you both want. Red means you want your partner to stop what they’re doing at once. Yellow means you want your partner to slow down, either because of physical discomfort or reaching a limit. Green means you like what your partner is doing, you feel comfortable, and you want to keep going.
Before you take part in more intense forms of erotic play — such as the use of whips, advanced bondage techniques, or sex toys — it's a good idea to educate yourself on these practices first to ensure safety. You can take the help of classes, books, or instructional online content for this.
What's the Mental Health Impact of BDSM?
There's some stigma about BDSM and those who practice it. But earlier ideas linking BDSM to mental illness have been thoroughly debunked, Sheff says.
"People who have negotiated consensual kinky sex generally report feelings of empowerment, [as well as] feelings of sexual and relationship satisfaction," she says. "It is frequently a tool of personal growth and healing."
Studies show BDSM doesn't usually come with more risk for these mental health conditions:
It doesn't seem to be related to sexual trouble or feelings of distress either. One small study found that taking part in a BDSM dynamic may lower stress and improve mood. Other research suggests that the use of healthy BDSM scenes may foster feelings of intimacy between partners.
According to one study, participants in BDSM showed:
- More narcissism
- Less neuroticism
- More extraversion
- Openness to new experiences
- Greater well-being
- Less sensitivity to rejection
If you want a mental health professional or therapist who understands BDSM, look for one who says they're sex-positive, kink allied, or kink aware.
What Are the Risks of Bondage Sex?
If not done safely, BDSM can come with risks. There are some reported cases of death related to BDSM bondage. The most common cause is strangulation from erotic asphyxiation. Even when choking is done consensually, it can lead to long-term effects on your mood, memory, and cognition, Sheff says. Never tie someone up and leave the room.
"If you are experimenting with bondage, the person who is free-ranging and not tied up must remain in the room with the person who is bound in case something happens," Sheff says. "That person who is able to release them must be right there."
BDSM is riskier if you're using drugs or alcohol. Data is limited, but most cases of death related to BDSM involve substance use. In the BDSM community, sobriety is often needed, according to Sheff.
While BDSM does have some risks, more people die from autoerotic asphyxiation than BDSM play.
BDSM may lead to injuries or other problems, including:
- Bruises
- Broken skin
- Infection
- Burns
- Fainting
It's important to educate yourself about ways to practice bondage or other BDSM activities safely before trying BDSM.
How Do You Start Exploring BDSM Sex?
Communicate with your partner about your desires. BDSM includes a wide range of sexual activities and dynamics, and each person will approach BDSM sex differently. Be honest with your partner about what you're looking for and what you're comfortable with.
Sheff says there are many resources available online or in books or podcasts. Look for classes about how to establish consent and play safely. She recommends the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (ncsfreedom.org), where you can find guidelines for practicing BDSM safely. Look for resources tailored to specific groups including:
- BIPOC
- Young people
- Older people
- Women
- LGBTQ
If you're going to a BDSM dungeon, or dedicated space for BDSM, Sheff recommends taking a friend with you.
"Start very small and slowly, and work up to big things," Sheff advises. "Start with short things that are not very impactful, for instance, spanking can be a great way to start and just see how people feel about it."
How Do You Take Care of Yourself After BDSM Sex?
Partners having BDSM sex often practice what's known as aftercare. It may include cuddling, hydrating, bathing together, or another calming activity. It may also include a discussion about what worked, what didn't, and how each partner is feeling. It's important during aftercare that you come out of the role you were playing so everyone is on equal footing, Sheff says.
Post-sex communication can help protect you and your partner physically, mentally, and emotionally. One study found aftercare is a way to make sure you're on the same page and helps manage your impressions about the interaction. But not everyone practices or understands aftercare the same way. It's a good idea to talk to your BDSM partner about your preferences for aftercare, too.
Takeaways
BDSM is a sexual activity in which one partner plays a dominant role and the other is more submissive. In some cases, it involves role-playing or sex toys. In other cases, one partner may restrain the other (with rope, handcuffs, or other ties) or cause physical pain in ways everyone involved agreed on in advance. Some key points are:
- Communication and consent are important in BDSM sex.
- BDSM sex includes having a safe word. If the act gets too intense for one partner, they can say the word to stop what's going on or stop sex altogether.
- Many people who have BDSM sex see the importance of self-care afterward.
BDSM FAQs
Is BDSM legal?
Laws vary by state, but BDSM isn't a crime. The key is consent between adults. It's possible you could be charged with a crime related to BDSM, especially if someone were to get hurt.
Does BDSM have to involve pain?
No.
Is BDSM linked to trauma or abuse?
Not necessarily. But it's possible you could use BDSM to work through past trauma or abuse. It could be a way to process what happened and heal. Some people think BDSM can be a way to reclaim control, explore boundaries, and reshape their relationship to their own body. But the way you or your partner may experience BDSM may be different from someone else.
