What I Wish My Partner Knew About My Migraine

Living with episodic migraines can feel incredibly lonely. The pain can disrupt your life at any time, impacting your work, your hobbies, and your relationships. Many partners don’t understand what it’s like. They may think it’s “all in your head” and not realize how debilitating it can be. They end up not providing the support you need to get through an episode. Just know that many women share your struggle. You are not alone on this journey.

My husband is a fixer, so he wants to fix the problem. He wants to turn into Sherlock Holmes and try to figure out why I’m having a migraine. But sometimes there’s no rhyme or reason why it’s happening. I already have a migraine and I don’t want to think about what I’ve been doing the past 24 hours to figure it out. I know he’s coming from a place of love, but sometimes it’s better to just let it pass and move on. 

— Jade Pruett, 32, Columbia, South Carolina

If I manage to make it to work while having a migraine, the last thing I want to do when I get home is cook and clean. I don't even want to eat. I just want a lot of water and a dark, cold bedroom. My boyfriend won't say it, but I know he thinks I'm being lazy sometimes, but I just don't have energy to do anything else. We can support each other with this by meal prepping so we have something ready to eat on the days that he's working and I am too sick. 

— Tangenea Woodard, 33, Newnan, Georgia

Just like with any other illness, migraine can affect each person differently. I think that's really important because if you grow up around a parent or a sibling who has migraine, you may think you already know what it's going to be like for your wife or partner, but it could be different for each person. Really listening to your partner's specific needs could be very helpful and just not assuming that because another person they knew had migraines and was still able to do X, Y, and Z, that doesn’t mean your partner can do those things as well.

— Breeana Taylor, 27, Charlotte, North Carolina

I don't wish for my husband to ever experience a migraine, but I wish he could somehow understand that it's different from a headache. I kind of wish all people could understand that. It's hard to describe why it's not a headache, even though it's still your head hurting. Finding other comparisons may be helpful, like rolling your ankle feels one way and breaking your ankle feels a different way, but you still have an injury to your ankle. I think it would be helpful to me if he could understand that.

— Emily Guzman, 33, Torrance, California

My episodic migraines are vestibular migraines, so I get really nauseous and sensitive to movement. They impact my entire body. Any sort of conversation or activity is just really limited because I can't move or else I throw up. Knowing and being aware of triggers, like stress or lack of sleep, and helping me avoid them can be really helpful.                                                

— Laura McKenna, 25, Atlanta, Georgia

When I'm having a migraine, it can take a lot of energy to communicate. I don't want to say more words than necessary. Paying attention when I'm talking so I don't have to repeat myself is really helpful. My husband works from home, so if I'm dealing with a migraine with vertigo and I can't get up, it’s helpful for him to check his phone to see if I need anything. I don't want to yell halfway across the house, because when I'm having a migraine, the last thing I want to do is raise my voice.

— Breeana Taylor, 27, Charlotte, North Carolina

We love having movie nights, but sometimes the bright screen and loud noises can make a mild migraine turn into a major problem. So when he wants to catch up on our favorite shows I might have to bail at the last minute and opt for an audiobook and a nap instead. I love spending time together, but sometimes we need to modify things. Maybe if we turn the brightness down and keep the volume lower I can watch the whole thing. Or we may have to watch it another day.                                        

— Tangenea Woodard, 33, Newnan, Georgia

I know when I’m delivering news that I have a migraine, I usually stay very calm. I never panic, but sometimes I don’t feel like I’m portraying the severity of it to my husband. You don’t want to upset yourself more by being super dramatic because that will make it worse. He needs to understand that if I have a migraine, no matter how calm I come across, it’s severe.

— Jade Pruett, 32, Columbia, South Carolina

I want my boyfriend to understand that I’m not avoiding him when I get out of doing something or cancel plans. It’s not because I don’t care or don’t want to be present. Having empathy for what someone’s going through, even if you haven’t experienced it yourself, really means the world.

— Laura McKenna, 25, Atlanta, Georgia