Among all the challenges a breast cancer diagnosis throws at you, one that stays with you throughout your journey is how to keep friends and family updated. It’s common to worry about having to take on other people’s emotions or relive your hardest experiences as you keep others in the loop about treatments, setbacks, and appointments.
The key is figuring out the right balance of being open enough to get the support you need while protecting your time and energy (or privacy) so you’re not adding to your already full plate.
Telling People You Have Cancer
Today’s technology offers countless ways to communicate with other people, from personal websites to social media updates to group texts and more. But that doesn’t mean you have to use all of them — or any of them.
Amanda Clemenzi, 45, says she preferred one-on-one conversations rather than group updates during her breast cancer experience.
“I’m a private person, so I didn’t want to be super public about it, but I didn’t want to keep it from people, either,” says Clemenzi. “Personal conversations were better for me because that was how I got the helpful support and information I needed. When you’re talking one-on-one, people tend to open up more, which makes it easier for me to open up as well.”
For Joanie Huston, 47, sharing publicly felt natural and comfortable, so she turned to social media to share the news with many people at once.
“My news went to all 800-plus friends I have on Facebook,” says Huston. “I wanted to be an open book, especially if it prompted others to get their own screenings and take their health seriously.”
It was the advocacy part of sharing her diagnosis that eventually encouraged Clemenzi to open up more publicly with her journey. As she shared more, she realized her story could help others.
“I can’t tell you how many people have said to me, ‘Oh, I’ve been putting off my mammogram. I’m going to finally do it,’ she says. “And that means everything to me because finding cancer early is everything.”
There’s no one “right” way to communicate about your breast cancer journey. What works for someone else may be stressful for you.
“Your journey is unique to you,” says Carolyn Wallace, an oncology nurse navigator at Wellstar Health System. “Many people will try to tell you what you should or should not do. Take the time to find quiet moments to reflect and determine what is important to you during this time. You are an individual with an individual breast cancer journey. Trust your inner guidance.”
Talking to Kids
Telling your kids you have cancer can feel challenging. Often, parents’ main priority is keeping their kids’ fears and anxieties at bay as much as possible. Still, children can sense changes, and so honesty is the best policy.
You can decide what that looks like for your family, depending on your kids’ ages and abilities to understand what’s happening. Remember that when you tell your kids about your cancer at their level, you’re communicating that:
- This may feel hard and scary, but we’re together.
- You can always talk to me about hard things.
- You can trust me to tell you things you need to know.
“If you try to hide something like that, I feel like it only builds more fear,” says Clemenzi. “So, I tried to be very clear and upfront with my kids about what was going on and made a point to say that the doctors were going to help me.”
What and When to Share
When you talk about your breast cancer, it can create connections and open doors to support. Loved ones can encourage you, give you rides to appointments, or listen when you need to unload.
But you know you best. You may need privacy to sit with your own emotions before you let others in. Or there may be parts of your experience you want to keep to yourself.
When and if you do talk about your cancer with others, it can help you:
- Make sense of your thoughts and feelings
- Get the practical help you need with transportation, housework, childcare, and more
- Figure out how to manage other conversations
Opening up about personal issues may be new to you, but as much as you’re able, ask for help when you need it.
“Communicating needs and asking for help shows strength and courage,” says Wallace. “Allow others to shower you with love during this time.”
Some things to consider:
Start with your inner circle. Lean in to the relationships you’re most comfortable with as you process new information. Many people start with their partner, parents, or a best friend — and then gradually expand outward. Clemenzi followed that path, starting with her husband, sister, and close friends. Huston also shared gradually, using group texts and online messages with her closest circles first. Even though the words were personal, Huston said it was a great help to keep the information the same across the board. “Composing something that I could just copy and paste kept things easy,” says Huston.
Consider timing news with what you know. It’s common to wait until you have certain test results back or a treatment plan in place before telling wider circles. This may help head off questions people may have by giving the information you want to share upfront.
Prepare for unexpected or “run-in” conversations. You may find yourself in a situation where you weren’t prepared to talk about your breast cancer, but the moment arises. In these moments, it’s helpful to think of a mental script to use so you can turn on autopilot if needed.
“There is no pressure to share information with people within a specific timeframe,” says Wallace. “Quite often, it takes some time to come to terms with a new diagnosis of breast cancer. You may feel overwhelmed, frightened, or sad — all of which is normal.”
Managing Others’ Emotions
“I was really never that emotional or dramatic about my own diagnosis, and I didn’t really want people to be super emotional or dramatic about it either,” says Huston.
It’s normal to feel like you’re managing other people’s emotions on top of your own, but it’s not your responsibility to shoulder the stress others feel about your cancer. Loved ones may cry, panic, or feel too much (overempathize) for you.
It’s OK to take a break from communicating when others' emotions become too much to handle. Rely on a partner or close friend who can be a buffer between you and the outside world.
Talking About Treatment and Prognosis
Because treatment is ongoing, giving out constant updates may feel draining. One way to lighten your load is to assign a close friend or family member as your “communication captain.” This person can be your go-between to the outside world, sharing news as needed and asking for specific help, such as sign-ups for delivering meals, childcare, and errands, too.
“My Life Line and Caring Bridge are free resources that can help you communicate updates and coordinate needs with family and friends all in one place,” says Wallace. “You can set up a free website to share information and photos with select individuals of your choice. Using these resources can help reduce duplicate communication and keep you surrounded by those who care about you the most.”
Different people will be curious about different aspects of your cancer process. Some people will be focused on your emotional well-being, and others may have an added interest in the details of your treatment and prognosis.
People who have their own experiences with cancer can be great sources of support and tips — but they can also add stress with their well-meaning words. You may get advice you didn’t ask for (and that you don’t want).
Huston’s experience with unsolicited advice prompted her to come up with gentle but firm lines that would set a boundary in response to critiques or comments that felt like judgment.
“I would say, ‘I’m glad you feel confident in the decisions you made for your journey. That’s your story. This is mine,” she says.
